Kingcod's Sump of Fun

Multi-tasking

2007-11-11T20:25:00.000+01:00

Third hand, yet accurate tale of the mind of a four year old. Small child observes mother brushing hair and cleaning teeth at same time.

"What are you doing Mummy"

"Its called multi-tasking"

Later

Child shouts from toilet:
"Mummy! Guess what - I'm multi-tasking! Having a poo and a wee!

Avril Lavigne - The next Joni Mitchell?

2007-04-14T00:07:00.000+01:00

With lyrics this good how can she fail?

[Bridge]
Shes like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And thats what everyones talking about!

what puzzles me is the first line .... is there supposed to be a comma ... or... whatever?

I hate this stuff. And its in my head... get me the trepanning kit someone. please.

Buckwheat Maelstrom

2007-03-03T19:15:00.000+01:00

Some 15 years ago (literally) I made Buckwheat Bake. It had such great promise - vegetarian, nutritious - and alliterative to boot. It was not a success then as my auld pal Simplywondered never forgets to remind me.

15 years later and oh fickle memory! You betray me such that my recollection of the experience is dimmed so much I try to re-make this hell-dish again. Never, ever make anything with buckwheat. It bubbles and festers in the pot like a witches brew. It sticks to the pan like welded sheet steel. It solidifies into a briquette of tasteless and distressing detritus.

And a look at Wikipedia confirms the dark heritage of this so called 'food': buckwheat can be used as an upholstery filling and is made into a jelly in Korea. Lord help the blighted residents of Preston County, West Virginia who have a buckwheat festival.

Democracy Online

2006-11-17T23:18:00.000+01:00

*slumps down a bit in chair*

Yeah, this is actually my job too do this kind of thing. a bit.

But since this Blog is about trivia lets focus on e-Petitioning the Prime Minister! Hoorah! - for the inspiring Tom Steinberg has Made This So here.

And so we can laugh at what petitions have been put forward.

My two favourites so far, before this well-intentioned venture goes into comedy meltdown, are:

"We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to replace the national anthem with 'Gold' by Spandau Ballet"

and

"We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to stand on his head and juggle ice-cream."

Funky Monkey and the BAAAD food

2006-11-17T23:06:00.000+01:00

My "Life Partner" (oh alright, "Wife"), returns from amusing Reception class entertainment for 3 year olds full of amusement at the resemblance to 'Legz Akimbo' from League of Gentlemen. The subject of the afternoon's entertainment is 'HEALTHY EATING'. 3 year olds sit neatly, agog, whilst wide eyed young woman breathily retells the story of a monkey with bad eating habits. YUK he eats SWEETS, until HOORAH the jungle Doctor recommends a more balanced approach with 5 portions a day and ya di ya di yah....

Youngest child is quizzed by me later whilst standing on my study carpet- I sit pipe in mouth in my leather chair (ref "When Do You Last See Your Father" style pictures.)- as to the moral of this tale.

"The monkey had a bad tummy and ate some sweets which made him better".

Booo .. Haloooo weeeennn!

2006-10-03T23:55:00.000+01:00

oh yes it is - according to my local, yet somehow World Famous hot takeaway bakery Greggs.

Ever ones to cash in on seasonal events they have plastered huge posters over each shop with a scarey GHOST next to ... a sausage roll, pretty much like this one.

I've never been spooked by meat based hot takeaway food, and this Haloween is no exception.

They also had a 'spooky' sandwich on a very similar poster. Looked pretty average. Maybe it had a severed finger in it or something.

Whatever Happened to Haslet?

2006-10-01T22:37:00.000+01:00

There it is! Look! On your keyboard!

I loves haslet me, but it turns into a vague approximation the further from Lincolnshire one heads. And speaking of heads ... lets here it for BRAWN.

Slap on the vinegar and you will be as happy as a sand boy. Except if you are a vegetarian ... you cowering cowardly coward! You may therefore prefer the gamers version.

Back to Life, Back to Mordor

2006-09-10T23:51:00.000+01:00

So my mate has lent me a huge breezeblock sized DVD collection of the LOTR trilogy, complete with what the actors ate for breakfast ... their pets .... what was Tolkein's favourite colour... etc..

I've only got as far as watching The Fellowship and I am disappointed to find no mini-documentary analysing why Lurtz, leader of the Uruk Hai orcs, is being played by Jazzy B from 80's club classic group Soul II Soul:

Lurtz

Jazzy B

or maybe this then?

Inconsistencies

2006-08-23T19:16:00.000+01:00

Two trips away this summer that have been designed as a 'Everythings a Pound' theme holiday are now completed. Scottish lowlands and then the South east. These events have been peppered with disassociated thoughts, often inspired by what has been seen. Yes, as like a modern day Keat, Wordsworth of 'Mad' Sammy Coleridge I am inspired by the environment into which I have been plunged. Hence, ponderings in the car park at a Little Chef in North Yorkshire (God Help us) on a finely crafted, official looking road sign, repleate with two high quality grey steel poles and Ministry of Officialness lettering reads "Caution Pot Holes". Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair! - for I Ozymandias have built me a bloody great sign rather than beseech my slaves to tend to the potholes of doom that litter my domain.

And then we have Radio Dedications. For the love of Pete what proportion of the listening public are entertained by George wishing Cynthia a Happy Birthday ? Let em guess ..... George ...aaaand.... Cynthia? I'm close .. aren't I? As for the 1.25M ABC1s grimly clutching the steering wheel on the M1 .. NO WE ARE NOT REMOTELY INTERESTED. Oh for a beaker full of the Warm South - to brain the witless morons who continue this Great British Tradition.

2006-06-01T22:05:00.000+01:00

Woman on Radio 4 tonight talking earnestly about how difficult she found it responding to a visit to the North Pole on an ice breaking ship ... through the medium of dance. "I can't imagine even indigenous peoples being able to dance at the North Pole, encumbered by all those heavy clothes". Quite so my dear, I imagine they find more time for a little pen and ink cartouches, or some challenging mixed media work involving snow and ... um... ice.

Netherlands Trip

2005-08-27T14:28:00.000+01:00

Back from a week and a half in Holland which belies a reputation of having nothing to offer the tourist. So maybe no hills or... er... valleys, but if Euclidian planes are your thing then the views are great. And I like small Dutch towns with their cafes and lack of cars. The village of Bergen where we stayed was next to a large area of dunes extending 5 miles inland, so lots of chances to get away from people ... and get lost in the rain. Children took this experience with Spartan resilience and were rewarded with hot chocolate in a bar.

Lakes and Sun

2005-07-10T23:40:00.000+01:00

An amazing co-incidence that a trip to the Lake District co-incides with the hottest weekend for weeks. Sun block and daft hats in order as we celebrate the Coming of Age (40) for Martin. A reasonable amount of Grolsch (hm) and Hoegaarden (yum) consumed, together with averagish meals out in Keswick. Its the sight of the mountains though that I want - always spectcular, and always there filling my frame of vision. How on earth I am to pursuade my reluctant peers to ascend beyond the lake edge to the Fells? I would put up with the aching feet and doubtful ankle if there was a chance to get that feeling of achievement of 20 years ago. 20!

Still, very nice to come home and fuss over the children, who have no idea how much they are missed for two days. Because of this Im not being hardline about lack of decent munching of food in the sun! Let em eat icecream!

Its now still very hot so I hope Ill sleep.

London always Sucks

2005-07-06T19:39:00.000+01:00

... the life out of me.. and the money from my pocket. Ah yes Catatonia with your east west divide thesis of deprivation. And true. Two days in London and the notes just slip away. Lucky Im not paying eh? High Point: The hotel has a clever door that serves to EITHER close the bathroom OR close off the toilet. These Holiday Inn designers are geniuses. Collossi (Collosuses?).

Daisy and I consumed beef ramen, Asahi and duck niblets. yum. And after being caught in the rain I purchased an umbrella. In fact the thrid umbrella of this trip.

I said:
"Before the night is out this umbrella will betray me", knowing that such implements hide under tables in bars when you need to leave, hoping you will forget they re there, and then sniggering when you find yourself walking down Southwark Road in the rain. But No! No! I say. This particular umbrella did not have the oppoprtunity to betray me with a metaphorical kiss. For I gripped is shiney black neck the whole night. Hmm hm. *folds arms with satisfaction*

Charlie Brooker

2005-06-29T22:36:00.000+01:00

Ah, still (re) reading Brooker's masterpiece Screenburn. Best to look at this on and off methinks, otherwise the fun is diminished of some choice Brooksian phrases and favourite words. Mostly describing television as less fun than stabbing yourself in the leg/head/eye with a screwdriver/spade/pen.

Would that the Screenburn column was still around.

I'm still undecided who to hand this book on to. People keep appearing and I say how much they MUST read it, only for them to go away empty handed. Although usually full bellied thanks to some extraordinary culinary happenings.

Rat run phrases

2005-06-29T22:32:00.000+01:00

Hazel Blears

One to add to the hitlist of politicians to swear at in the car on the radio. Unfortunate that other drivers think you are swearing at them.

Do these people have some kind of auto-fudge circuit in their heads when asked a simple question? I think shurely they do. Likewise the ability to spew forth such wellr pounded rat-run phrases as "people up and down the country" and even "at the end of the day".

At the end of the day people up and down the country want to see you locked in a box dull dull Hazel Blears. If not before.

Welcome to my World of Fun

2005-06-29T22:25:00.000+01:00

Ah yes, nothing like a snappy title .. and... nothing like a snappy title.

I'm undecided how much this will be a thin veneer of frivolity over a bubbling pool of intellect so bear with me until such time as the scales fall from my eyes.